Sadness, is the old-fashioned Blue

I don't know for how many times it has been, but this has gone over my capabilities to cope with.
There were so many things I'm so disappointed about. Mostly, about me.
I'm very disappointed about who I am now.

I do not like me.
How could a person live happily if he/ she does not love him/ her self?

I have been fighting myself for I don't know how long. I guess, everyone does. I'm fighting so badly to the new me trying to rise from my other inside. It sounds eerie, perhaps, but yes.. I feel like there's someone else trying to be me from inside me.
It's like I'm changing into something that I really do not want to be.

Is it the world? Is it me? Or these are just my own thoughts?

Sometimes, and this is getting more and more frequent.. I feel like there is nothing good in life. Oh, yes, it's easy to say that life is good, life is God's grace and we shall not take it for granted.. It is easy to say so, but when you feel like you do not know your place anymore, you feel like you do NOT belong, you feel like you can never be your self, you feel like you can't speak up your mind because you know you will hurt others by doing so. But not doing it hurts you inside. And you still ended up hurting yourself while hurting others?

I don't think I could live like this.
There are times that I feel so low. Like now. Moments like this, crushes my heart from inside, but I have no one to turn to. Not even my close ones.
My bad, too, I whine too much. So when it's the real problem which might cause me to think of suicide, they just think I'm overacting or I'm just being childish or whatever.
Now.. I ended up choosing not to talk. I know talking about my problems only hurt me.
I usually got disappointed. There is no point anymore in sharing.

People say,"We should see things from its positive sides."
Alright, I've tried, and maybe you think that I'm not trying hard.
Well.. I don't know.

When I feel down, some suggest me to pray and talk to God. Oh, do they think I haven't??
And it's not really nice to suggest something like that to people who are feeling depressed. You might only make them feel more depressed. Depression could cause suicide, you know.

I can't say no more. It hurts to much to reveal any more sadness I have inside. I can't talk to anyone.. It's just me and this 'I Don't Know What to Write' electronic papyrus.
I feel dizzy and I need some sleep.

Sementara Menunggu

Lama tidak menulis..
Yah, sementara menunggu aku membuat blog yang lebih jelas, coba menulis lagi saja, walau bingung.. Bener-bener 'I don't know what to write'.
Seperti semua ide-ide yang ada di kepala terhisap oleh pasir hidup saja..
Mungkin juga karena banyak awan-awan mendung di dalam otakku.. yang penuh dengan kekuatiran akan masa depan.

Masa depan itu.. sejauh apa ya?
Sejauh satu menit ke depan atau sejauh 1 jam lagi? Satu tahun kemudian?

Everything changes.
Tidak ada yang kekal di dunia ini, well.. setidaknya sampai detik ini.. Tidak ada satu pun yang kekal, kecuali perubahan itu sendiri. Hanya perubahan yang terus-menerus terjadi. Seperti manusia, sebagai contoh. Kita adalah manusia (hahaha.. maksudnya??). Ya, manusia itu makhluk hidup. Karena ia hidup, ada suatu saat ia akan mati. Karena kalau tidak pernah hidup, bisakah kita mengatakan itu mati? Kenyataannya begitu.. Mobil dan batu dan bangunan, disebut sebagai benda-benda mati. Melenceng, melenceng..! Kok malah membicarakan ini ya?
Back to manusia ^__^ Manusia mengalami penuaan. Yang biasanya kita rasakan ketika kita berulang tahun. Di sisi yang lazim, kita merasakan gembira merayakan bertambahnya usia kita, merayakan bahwa kita masih hidup pada usia tersebut. Di sisi yang kurang lazim, ada yang mengatakan bahwa,"Usia kita pada hari ini sudah berkurang setahun". Walaupun agak kurang tepat, untuk mengatakan berkurang setahun. Menurutku lebih baik dikatakan sudah terpakai lagi satu tahun. Sama saja ya? Ahahaha.. Bagaimana sih.. ^^
Sebenarnya, penuaan itu terjadi setiap detik, setiap napas yang kita hirup dan hembuskan, setiap huruf yang sedang aku ketik, setiap kalimat yang sedang kita baca.. Setiap buah pikir yang sedang terlintas di dalam kepala kita.. Sel-sel kita mengalami penuaan, ia tidak kekal, ia mengalami apoptosis (istilah keren untuk menyebut saat-saat kematian sel tubuh) dan mengalami regenerasi (penggantian sel yang mati dengan sel yang baru). Entah berapa ribu, ratus ribu, juta sel kita mati dalam sehari (ini tergantung lifestyle juga) yang akan digantikan oleh sel-sel baru. Semua ini adalah perubahan yang kita tidak menyadarinya. Dan mungkin baru akan kita rasakan saat ini sudah terjadi 20 dan 30 tahun setelah kita lahir. Tubuh kita mudah bertambah gemuk, kita lebih mudah merasa lelah, kulit kita mulai terhias renda-renda usia.. (walaupun sekarang sudah banyak solusi untuk terlihat lebih muda - botox, facelift, dll.)
Hal ini tidak terjadi hanya pada manusia, namun pada semua yang hidup.
Semua yang hidup akan mati suatu saat.
Bahkan benda mati memiliki usianya. Mobil, sekalipun dirawat sebaik apa pun, suatu saat akan aus juga. Televisi, suatu saat akan datang hari ia tidak akan menyala lagi, dan kita memutuskan untuk menggantinya dengan yang baru.

Perubahan.


A second could change everything..
Seringkali.. (setidaknya ini berlaku pada diriku sendiri) kita tidak menyadari bahwa dalam 24 jam waktu dunia kita yang disetujui oleh makhluk-makhluk bumi, banyak detik-detik yang kita buang untuk hal-hal yang tidak produktif. Aku sering sekali melakukan pemborosan detik-detik yang ada. Waktu itu relatif, katanya. Waktu itu kalau dibahas hanya menghabiskan waktu (*__*) Dan waktu kita miliki kurang lebih sama jumlahnya (yah, kalau pun ada perbedaan karena bentuk bumi atau pun lainnya, aku tidak terlalu tahu karena pemahaman & pengetahuan fisikaku tidak bisa dibilang baik).
Kita memiliki berjuta-juta detik untuk membuat keputusan. Seringkali kita lebih memilih jalan yang mudah dan enak dijalani daripada jalan yang sulit. Banyak pertimbangan. Oh, ya.. Sangat amat banyak. Dan kita tidak akan pernah tahu bila belum mencoba.
Bagaimana hasil akhirnya?
Bahkan dengan mencoba pun banyak jalan yang dapat kita tempuh untuk menjalankan suatu keputusan.

We never have no choice.
We have too many choices, and thus, we are distracted. We are confounded, afraid of being dumbfounded.

Mungkin, hanya butuh satu detik untuk suatu perubahan besar terjadi. Di suatu tempat, di suatu waktu, ketika kita sedang mengerjakan hal-hal yang begitu biasa dan rutin. Tercipta suatu pikiran yang mengubah seluruh hidup kita. Satu detik untuk hal itu tercipta di benak kita. Dan mulailah suatu perubahan yang akan menjadi suatu awalan baru bagi kita. Apapun yang kita putuskan. Perubahan yang baik? Perubahan yang buruk?

That's our own choice. So.. decide wisely..
Remember that our own future is in our own hands.

Satu Lagi di Hari Sabtu

Menjadi yang baik itu tidak mudah.
Tantangan selalu datang pada hal-hal yang mendatangkan kebaikan.
Karena kebaikan adalah hal yang perlu ditegaskan dengan kesungguhan dan ketetapan hati. Dengan memenangkan suatu perjuangan, kebaikan itu akan membekas di dalam pikiran. Tak lekang oleh waktu, tak aus oleh cuaca.

Arus kehidupan manusia penuh kebingungan. Hal-hal yang nampak riang dan kemilau seringkali meninggalkan bayang-bayang besar yang menyeret kita ke dalam lumpur hidup, yang menghisap kuat ke dalam kekosongan dan tidak jarang, kehancuran.

Seringkali kita mengejar gemerlapnya kehidupan. Manusia berkata,"Hidup hanya sekali saja". Benarkah demikian adanya? Kehidupan adalah suatu siklus. Di mana terdapat suatu kelahiran dan proses hingga akhirnya kehidupan berakhir, di suatu titik yang menjadi perhentian abadi. Kemudian aku berpikir bahwa, dalam kehidupan yang hanya sekali saja, sebelum aku berhenti mengembangkan paru-paruku dan jantungku lelah memompa segenap darah yang membawa oksigen dan nutrisi ke jaringan-jaringan tubuhku, apakah sudah benar jalan yang aku ambil?

Sering kudengar ungkapan, "takdir ada di tangan Tuhan" ataupun "ini adalah nasib". Tapi apakah demikian?
Apakah takdir dan apakah nasib?

Aku tidak menerima mentah-mentah buah pikir yang telah ada. Selama ini aku adalah seorang pemberontak, yang selalu ingin berpikir sendiri untuk diriku. Sekalipun pada akhirnya terbukti bahwa aku memilih jalan yang kurang menguntungkan, atau yang merugikan. Aku percaya bahwa aku sendirilah yang akan menentukan jalanku. Meskipun aku sendiri percaya bahwa hari akhirku adalah Tuhan saja yang tahu waktu kedatangannya. Namun hari-hari yang kuukir dalam kehidupan ini, adalah hari-hari yang kutatah dari pilihan yang kubuat sendiri. Sekalipun jauh dari sempurna, sekalipun meninggalkan tetesan darah dan air mata, namun kehidupanku adalah milikku. Dalam kebaikan dan keburukan dari keputusan-keputusanku. Karena setiap jalan selalu memiliki lebih dari satu pilihan. Kebaikan hari yang lalu dapat menjadi kebaikan hari ini, atau mendatangkan air mata - entah sekarang mau pun di masa yang akan datang. Kepedihan yang kujalani di masa lalu ternyata bisa menjadikan senyum bahagiaku saat ini dan di masa esok.
Atau dahulu sekarang sama saja, bahagia.. atau sedih..?

Sebenarnya tidak ada hal yang baik mau pun buruk. Yang ada hanyalah suatu kejadian, dan persepsi kita yang membentuk suatu kejadian. Kita melabelnya seperti barang dagangan. Tapi tidak lepas dari satu hal, bahwa pada akhirnya apa yang kita anggap baik itu.. memang lah jarang sekali mudah dijalani. Pengorbanan dan ketahanan diri sebaiknya tak lepas dari inti hati bila ingin sampai di garis akhir.

Bahagia atau tidak? Itu suatu pilihan yang kita buat sendiri, terlepas dari keadaan apa pun jua.

I Just Thought..

I have just watched "Becoming Jane", an autobiography movie about Jane Austen, my favorite novelist. I felt, and still feel, really touched.

Life and love, are two things that coexist. For life will not live without love.
In my life, I've experienced so many love challenges. In the past, my love (or crushes) were unrequited. I had to bear watching those I liked together with others. I agreed as well, that I was much uglier than I am now. It was difficult to feel pretty. Because I always believed I wasn't.
I tried my best to be liked by others. Many times I failed, I could not bear with someone who was not the real me. And so I stopped being whatever that was not me.
I became myself.
And that's when real love came to me.

Real love, I comprehend, was not like that story of princesses and princes in children' storybooks. It's much much different. Real love often has its own challenges. Putting us in the edge to choose so many options, that sometimes we could feel like there is no options. Some ended very early.. Some continued their love but eventually dropped in the middle, and some pursued to the very end.

I have often waited for real love, for true love, to show up like that very knight in a shining armor, taking me out of this stupid life. Took me out from the ugly me and transformed me into a beautiful me. Well, it's some adolescent unripe hopes.

Love changes those affected, by shaping people's heart. The heart is the mind, for our feeling begins in the mind. Therefore how you change the way you think; because you feel a great affection towards others; or that one special person, is real love.. At least that is how I comprehend what happened to me.

Love is joining two minds. Two different minds. Joining does not come easy. It needs a great deal of understanding, forgiveness, and sincerity. For no one could understand others' mind exactly like one who has it. Sometimes, even those who created the thoughts, could not understand why and how, his/ her mind came to such conclusions. To finally able give your own mind to place others' mind in the same degree with yours, is not an easy task at all. You will have to agree to disagree. Putting that one's decision could not be 100% right or 100% wrong, instead all things always have both features; the light and the shadow. It's always in between, it's always the gray.
I believe that human being can not have absolute truth, other than death.

Love exist as long as the world exist, accompanied with all its resultants, whether it's life, or death. We decide our own.. life.. or.. death.


I'm being absurd, true?

A Long Day for Friday

Today is Friday. D'oh. What kind of opening is 'today is Friday'??
So lame, hahahha..

Okay, I know it is lame. But well, today is one Friday indeed. A long Friday, I must say.
I woke up uncomfortably this morning.. knowing that I still have to go to the hospital today even if I don't feel too healthy, just to snap in that piece of card into that presence machine.
I've planned to go to Klaten, since I still have to have my book stamped. Last week I did not have 2 case reflections needed (from dr. Sis) to get my book stamped.

This Friday feels depressing. I still miss my Aan so much.. The last time we met in person was 5th of January (2009). This Tuesday I had the chance to meet him, direct and personally, since he was treated in the hospital for typhoid fever. I, of course, did not took that very chance for granted. I told my parents for permission and I was allowed to take the flight to Jakarta and finally met him. I took care of him for 2 nights. It did not feel enough for me. I still want to be with him but I had two appointments with two doctors at Jogja, so I had to come home this Thursday. So I did.
I was busy yesterday, nevertheless, I couldn't help feeling empty after I landed on Adisucipto. I didn't feel like being in Jogja afterall. I want to be there for him, to aid him in the hospital. Last night I cried, because I missed him so much (and I still do, right to this time). I fell asleep and then.. woke up today like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, on the wrong time of the day.

I almost decided not to come to the hospital today, but a friend (Vera) messaged me that I had to come personally to get my book signed by a professor. Soon I was ready and drove myself there. I hurried and hurried and apparently it was for nothing. I could not get the signature anyway, cause he went inside the staff's meeting room and we could not enter. When he left it seemed that he did not want to be bothered, so I couldn't get his signature. *sigh*

So I went to campus (my faculty is just across the hospital) and ate my brunch with Wina and Vera. We took our time, we went to KPTU first (it's the administration office) to have a look on our health checkup before we entered clinical rotation. I have good results except one, which I won't tell here, obviously. We ate at Radiopoetro's canteen. The cleanest one (and the most expensive one, people say) and our favorite cause we think it tastes the best. I had fried rice, fried mendoan (a kind of tempeh) and corn ba'wan (it's one of Indonesian fries made of flour). I chose oseng paria for the veg.
When we sitted ourselves, taking our first spoonful of rice to our mouth, one sms arrived. Apparently another doctor had already attended to our BiKo (bimbingan koas) so we hurriedly finished our food and walked back to Irna I (it's the ward building for general wards - non VIP wards).

After finished with our BiKo, Wina and I went for some refreshment. I wanted to buy Ben&Jerries ice cream, so we drove to the groceries (imported food stuffs). Today was sooooo hott!! Dehydrating, I must say! I drove again to Dunkin's for some drinks, hehehe..
Then I drove Wina to her car (just in front of our campus) and I went home.

What else.. Not much.. I watched dr. Doolittle 2, and I haven't studied up to now. I'm so crazy. Exam day is only next Wednesday but I haven't got the spirit to study. I feel so weak and depressed. I fall asleep easily but always woke up a few times in the middle of the night. I always had dreams and I usually remember what my dreams were. Tiresome.

I'm taking my leave now. Gotta study for real this time. Oh God.. Please help me study.. I can't do this by myself..

First post! Yay!

This is my first post to this blog.

I finally decide to create one blog, one blog to share whatever things I consider suitable to write.

Thank you for visiting this blog..